Midnight Ponderings

let's just live and not look back.





if only

 
I'm sleep deprived and overcaffeinated and I haven't stopped running around in days
I've taken too many pictures and danced until my thighs were sore and my legs threatened to collapse
I've drank endless amounts of shirley temples (only some with cherries) and not cared if my hair didnt look good or if I was wearing makeup
I've walked around in my pajamas and felt good and right to lay next to you and just exist
to be the rawest form of myself and be loved
to be loved
it isn't really so hard to be loved
but more to believe in that love for what it is
I'm drained physically
I'm overflowing emotionally
I'm stretching myself out to thin but its the only way I know how to live
and I vow to touch as many lives as I can
I want to help you grow
I want to help you be happy
I want to be happy with you.

I want to know that I did something good that will effect the outcome of something else
I want to be the flutter of the wings of that butterfly
and I meant it when I said that I dont have regrets
and I won't
because regrets only happen when you don't follow your heart

 

Existentialism (n); a philosophical movement which posits that individuals create the meaning and essence of their lives.

It’s been years and we don’t talk.

Formalities long strewn aside like shards of broken glass,

from a mirror that once reflected

everything that could have been

if I had just let you get to me.

I’ve broken you

I’ve been broken

I’ve bled all over the sanity

That used to hold me together

But the only person who kept me going,

the only face that kept popping into my head,

The only voice I heard

was yours.

You were the faintest trace of a moon

In the countless starless nights

That marked my life

After I let you go.

Your picture doesn’t fade

From my memory, so scarred and scratched

from the emotion that I suppressed

and smothered until I thought

it could no longer breathe.

I’ve broken you

I’ve been broken

But please, just one more time

Pick up the pieces left of me

And put me back together.

Hey guys, it turns out I might just actually keep this thing going. Maybe.

Don't want to jinx anything, but you never know. I'm sitting in the air conditioning now, already went driving this morning and had an interesting walk home with a biking Elliot by my side... we can all imagine what fun that calls for. Unnaturally excited for the Pie Making. Hope it's a success, but I don't really see how it could fail.. I mean, it's pumpkin.
I realized I like helping people out. I guess there really is some gratification and good karma and all that in an unselfish act of kindness or two. Aww, yay for peace on Earth. Okay, creeping myself out here. lol.
Mini Golf was really fun yesterday. I love when you go somewhere and don't realize how much fun you had until afterwords, its kind of like a pleasant unexpected aftertaste, if that makes sense. It's bittersweet because it's over. It reminds me of that quote, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." That's how I'm learning to look at a lot of things in my life, to keep myself on an even plane.

I should probably have more faith in other people, though, with all this apparent soulsearching I'm doing. Dr. Casey to the rescue of others, but I can't forget myself. Must keep self sane. 

I need to be enlightened by some good new music, the kind that makes you just sit and listen and not need to do anything else. The kind you quote in your away messages, profile, in everyday life, etc. You know that kind of music. (typically called emo or indie, but who's labeling) :P

so I'll call your cellular phone
to tell you TV night was lonely without you
and so am I
so am I
((it seems our day keeps falling on a leap year))

Well, I do miss you. I can't help it. I'll try not to be sad because you told me not to, but I don't think it's that easy.
Oh yes, happy 9th.

I wanted to start a precendent of writing in this thing by, well, actually writing in it.
I'm sure I can make it pretty and lovely and HTML-savvy if I really try. I used to be good at that stuff, and I have a lot of free time on my hands... so you do the math.
I never liked blogs, because I feel like it's an obligation rather than something optional, and that I have to document every little thing in my life in order for it to be perfect... but I know that's not true.
You know what sucks? I can't sleep, and I have Drivers Ed in the morning. Oh well, I'll make strong coffee.
I feel most awake and most at peace with myself in these odd hours. Maybe that's why I get so restless during the schoolyear, cause I know I can't stay up this late if I want to function at all during the day.
Anyway, Pumpkin Pie baking tomorrow with Ben and Kathleen should be amazing.. and then a small movie night at my house with a few close girlfriends ^_^ I guess this is what summer is about. I just don't feel it yet.
Maybe soon I'll realize what season it is...
it's not like I'm getting tan or anything like that. I decided I might be a vampire.
Rita would enjoy that, wouldn't she?

Well, the air conditioner is blasting and I'm going to try to fall asleep on my couch. I hope tomorrow is a good day.. I always liked Mondays for some reason. Maybe because a lot of other people don't, and you can't have too much negative energy floating around in one day. Maybe. Or I might just be tired and not making sense. That's more likely.